At the end of August, I went to FanExpo in downtown Toronto for the very first time, and while I was attending this convention I was accompanied by my friend Blair and I was staying at his parents' apartment in Hamilton. His parents were so kind to be during my stay, and as a means of thanking them I sent them a thank you card along with a Royal Daulton figurine my grandmother had picked up for them, and Blair took them home with him when he returned from our Rocky Horror fun.
On Monday night, I was greeted with an amazing thank you note written for me by Blair's dad, Ken Holden, on Facebook. It's not so much a note as an amazing crafted story chock-full of humor and nerdy references. I thought that this was way too cool to keep to myself, so I thought that you guys might like to read it. For fun, post in the comments below listing off all the differences references that you catch as you read along. I doubt even I caught them all, so I'd like to see what everyone else picks up on :) Without further ado, please enjoy :)
Briefing notes: Your mission is to read the following message. In traditional Holdenesque fashion, a considerable amount of absurdity follows. Consider yourself alerted. This briefing message will self destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, sssssssssssss…
Fanexpo: The final frontier. These are the voyages of the fanship enterprise.
Its four day mission: To explore strange new worlds, to seek out their favourite explorers and new civilizations, to boldly go where no fan has gone before.
Scene 1 Opens on the bridge:
Captain: Commander Chakotay, form an away mission.
Chakotay: Yes but there is something blocking our sensors…
Lieutenant Blair: Never mind, it’s just a whale falling to the planet below.
Commander Kacie: Now that’s absurd!
Computer: Isn’t it though. Actually, the probability of that happening is approximately 41748175761364674 to 1…
Captain: We don’t have time for this; can you boost the entertainment beam?
Chakotay: No captain, they’ll have to GO in the shuttle craft.
Captain: Isn’t that the green one?
Captain: Lt. Blair you’re with Commander Kacie, and take Marvin with you for support.
Marvin: Support, a likely story, nobody comes to me for support. You probably just want me to wear the red shirt! Useless!
Captain: Commander Kacie, before you go, I haven’t had the opportunity to welcome you aboard. It is a pleasure for you to join us. Away missions aren’t always easy but Commander Chakotay will guide you.
Chakotay: Welcome aboard. My spirit guide is aware of your planet Welland. Your Betazoid capabilities will be welcomed.
Scene 2 On board the shuttle craft:
Commander Kacie: LT. Blair what’s that ahead?
Lieutenant Blair: It looks like an anomaly.
Cmdr. Kacie: An anemone?
Lt. Blair: It’s not an enemy, I think it might be friendly, let’s try to make contact.
Cmdr. Kacie: Maybe we should just keep swimming…
Computer: Danger! Danger Will Robertson! Coolant leak in shuttle craft…
Cmdr. Kacie: Lt Blair can you fix it?
Lt. Blair: I’m not sure, I think I forgot my towel.
Cmdr. Kacie: On no! Hey do you have your sonic screwdriver?
Lt. Blair: Yes I do! There I think that’s got it.
Marvin: Um, Commander…
Cmdr. Kacie: Yes Marvin I’m all ears.
Lt. Blair: Look there’s the planet Fantasia.
Cmdr. Kacie: Oh no not another Mickey mouse away mission!
Lt. Blair: Funny I didn’t think it was this close to Pluto.
Cmdr. Kacie: Another absurdity! How improbable is that!
Marvin: I could tell you but you probably don’t want to hear it.
Cmdr. Kacie: Maybe you should check the star chart. What’s the nearest star? What’s the status of the shuttle craft?
Lt. Blair: It looks like it’s Sirius.
Cmdr. Kacie: Black? Is it really that bad?
Lt. Blair: No it’s kind of twinkly, and actually it’s a nice looking little star!
Cmdr. Kacie: This mission really is going to Potter, we must have been traveling diagonally.
A loud noise and shaking tosses the shuttle craft.
Cmdr. Kacie: That was a big bang.
Lt. Blair: More like an earth shattering kaboom.
Cmdr. Kacie: Was it a disruptor?
Lt. Blair: Sensors read it as the residue from an Illudium Q37 Space Modulator.
Cmdr. Kacie: Marvin did you have anything to do with this?
Marvin: Not me, I’m everyone’s favourite Martian!
Lt. Blair: You’re starting to sound like Boothby!
Cmdr. Kacie: We should probably beam down to the surface and check it out. Energize!
Lt. Blair: …Ummm…
Cmdr. Kacie: Lt Blair I said energize!
Lt. Blair: But Commander look at the power source in the transporter pack…
Cmdr. Kacie: *sigh* Ok… “Duracell”
Scene 3 On the planet surface:
Lt. Blair: Well that felt strange. Look there’s a blue door ahead. I wonder where it will take us?
Cmdr. Kacie: We seem to be in old England, how about stepping through the door again.
Lt. Blair: That felt strange again. Like a jump to the left.
Cmdr. Kacie: No, more like a step to the right.
Lt. Blair: Oh look at all that fandemonium.
Cmdr. Kacie: Let’s step through the door another time.
Lt. Blair: Do the time warp again?
Cmdr. Kacie: I am feeling a bit hungry.
Lt. Blair: That’s strange, some chunky soup just appeared. I wonder if I should use a spoon or a fork?
Cmdr. Kacie: Use the fork Lieutenant, use the fork!
Another bump and the door opens.
Cmdr. Kacie: Look we’re back on the enterprise.
Captain: Welcome back. I hope you’ve enjoyed your stay with us. Oh and I see you have brought back an artifact.
Cmdr. Kacie: It’s for you captain.
Captain: Thank you. It radiates joy and good memories. We’re glad you enjoyed your stay with us. Thank you again, live long and prosper.
This is Captain Pam, Commander Ken and Lieutenant Blair signing off, tune in next time for another exciting episode where we mash together another string of jokes to keep you in stitches.